Good messages

I get e-mails a couple of times a week from Eddie Bauer and Barnes and Noble. I suppose I could click on the “Unsubscribe” link on the bottom of the message, but I never actually open the e-mail, plus Eddie Bauer could be a very nice man who may someday have something personal to say to me having nothing to do with fall sweaters or slim jeans. Then he’d have to title the e-mail, “Gary, this is something personal for you from me, Eddie Bauer—the man, not the store—that could change your life." I seem to be waiting for phone calls and/or e-mails that will alter my life and make it outstanding. It’s not out of the question, in fact, that kind of thing has happened once or twice before. True, not from Eddie Bauer, but you can’t be too careless or one life-changing good message will slip by. I have a smart phone which tells me if someone has called when I was away from it, even if they don’t leave a message. When whomever it is doesn’t leave a message, I look at the area code of the number that the smart phone is showing me; if it’s a plausible area code, local for example, or New York City, perhaps, and I don’t recognize the rest of the number, I fantasize about the message that might have been left. It’s almost invariably from a woman I once knew, although sometimes it’s from a New Yorker editor accepting a story or a poem I had forgotten that I had submitted. Almost inevitably, it’s from someone who deeply needs me, desires me, admires me, and wants, no, needs to tell me so. Rarely has it to do with getting a large sum of money, because those fantasies are long gone, stored away into the desperately hopeful days of my thirties and forties, days that drifted into one another for years without anything outstanding happening. I suppose you could say, I didn't make them happen but that's not the point of this little story. This story is about what happens to you, what you deserve, what will make everything make sense. Back then I'd imagine winning the lottery and how it would change my heart, my marriage, what I would carry in my wallet; large sums of money would transform me, make me taller and braver and more honest. Now of course I know better. I know the only dreams worth having are ones of fame, and adoration, and love, like nothing I’ve ever known before. My smart phone will tell me.